When Grief Walks into the Therapy Room: Holding Space in EMDR Therapy
Grief is not a “target.”
It’s not something to process away or resolve in a single reprocessing session. Grief is a natural, adaptive response to loss — and it needs to be honoured, not hurried.
In EMDR therapy, it’s easy to wonder:
Should I reprocess this? Or is this grief something my client needs to feel and hold onto?
The answer isn’t always straightforward, but it’s an important clinical reflection — and one we explore in our EMDR journey, especially in consultation.
Grief and the AIP Model
From the lens of the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model, grief becomes maladaptive only when it gets entangled with unprocessed trauma, complicated loss, or earlier memories that were never fully integrated or resolved. In these cases, EMDR can be a powerful support — not to erase the grief, but to help clients move through what’s keeping them stuck around the grief.
For example:
When guilt, shame, or responsibility block the natural grieving process
When an earlier trauma is connected to the current loss
When the loss reactivates childhood beliefs like “I always lose people I love”
When the current loss includes trauma
In these moments, we’re not reprocessing the grief itself — we’re clearing the unfinished business around the grief so the client can access their own adaptive mourning.
The Importance of Phase 2
With grieving clients, Phase 2 becomes especially important. We’re not just building affect tolerance — we’re helping the client trust their emotions again.
Sometimes, this involves practicing grounding or installing resources. But often, Phase 2 is about simply sitting with our clients as they experience uncomfortable emotions or body sensations — and offering a safe place where they don’t have to mask or push anything away.
Many of our clients are used to hiding their grief in public. The therapy room may be one of the few places where they get to make space for their grief and be fully human — vulnerable, messy, emotional — and still feel safe and supported.
We might use:
Resourcing that brings in a felt sense of connection (e.g., a calm place with the loved one present — if adaptive)
Visualizing supportive or wise figures, visiting positive or adaptive memories, or creating symbolic anchors
Grounding techniques that help hold space for big emotions without judgment
At Elevate EMDR, I often teach ANCHOR to support this work:
Acknowledge what’s showing up
Notice by observing and describing the emotion and/or body sensation
Name the emotion or locate where the emotion is felt in their body
Observe the emotion and the body sensation without judgment or urgency to fix
Describe the sensation (shape, weight, temperature, movement, texture, any sounds, colour, etc)
Connect with to the emotion or body sensation. Acknowledge the experience by bringing attention to it and sitting with it for a moment.
Honour what is coming to the surface — give it air time. Validate its presence (there is a reason why they are feeling that way).
And then Respond by taking care of the need (regulation coping strategy, resourcing, invite a corrective experience that meets a previously unmet need, or provide compassionate presence)
A more simplified version for clients is HOLD:
Honour
Notice what is showing up (an emotion such as sadness, anger, numbing, or guilt; a physical sensation such as tightness in the chest; a flash of a memory).
Instead of judging or trying to push it away, take a breath and say something like, “This is what is here right now. I am going to honour that.”
Invitational options: “What is asking to be noticed right now?”; “Can I offer a moment of kindness to what I’m feeling?”; “Would it be okay to just let this be here, for a few moments or minutes (or a little while)?”
Observe
Step back a bit, like you’re getting up on the pool deck to observe what is in the pool.
What do you notice about the feeling?
Where do you feel it in your body? Can you observe and describe it? — shape, weight, temperature, movement, texture, any sounds, colour? For example, “I notice this feeling in my stomach. It feels like a tight knot. It’s heavy and cold. It is not moving. I can watch it for a moment.”
Invitational options: “Can you observe this like a curious witness, without needing to change it?”; “If it feels okay in this moment, can you notice where you feel that emotion in your body?”; “You could choose to notice the shape of the sensation, or you could choose not to, whatever feels right for you in this moment”
Listen for the Need
Sometimes feelings come up because a part of us needs something. Identify what is needed in this moment. Does it need comfort, protection, space, or to be heard?
“What does this sensation need right now?” or “Is there something I have needed for a long time that this moment (or sensation) is reminding me of?”
Invitational options: “If I could listen closely, and I can choose to or not to in this moment, what would I hear this feeling say? If it had a need, what might it need?”
Do What is Needed
Once you have honoured and observed the feeling, and sensed the need, take a gentle step toward meeting this need in this moment.
“As you notice that feeling, what can we do to take care of it right now, in this moment?” or “What would feel comforting or regulating right now?”
Invitational options: “You might ask yourself, what does this part of me need right now?”; “Is there something gentle I can offer myself at this moment?”; “Would it be okay right now to move, breathe, or visit your calm place?”
Then do what is needed. This might be:
Grounding in the present through the senses (e.g., visiting an object you see and describing it, listening to the sound of the birds), touch your warm mug or the cold wall), breath, bring attention to your surroundings (e.g., bring your gaze up, scan the room, notice what you see, hear, smell with 5-4-3-2-1 grounding), challenging your balance (e.g., stand on one leg and balance, sit on an exercise ball), or throw and catch an object (e.g., toss and catch a pillow or ball).
Putting a hand on the sensation and sitting with it until it releases.
Noticing and saying encouraging words (e.g., “I’m okay now”; “The danger is over”, “I can do this.”, “I am important”)
Using a coping strategy to lessen distress, take care of yourself, and bring your energy back into the window of tolerance
This process invites clients into deeper self-awareness and safety within themselves — something that’s often disrupted by loss.
Calm Place work can be especially meaningful here. Clients can develop multiple calm places for different emotional needs or situations. For example:
A calm place that includes the loved one they are grieving — to support connection, memory, and adaptive emotional presence
A separate calm place not associated with the loved one — perhaps from a time before the relationship began, or a new place that reflects their growth and individuality
A completely imagined or symbolic calm place — filled with soothing, nurturing, or spiritual elements that provide comfort or safety
This flexibility allows clients to navigate their grief gently, without forcing themselves into one emotional state. It gives them options — and agency — in how they connect, remember, and regulate.
Sometimes clients cry during a calm place exercise and feel self-conscious.
They might say, “I thought this was supposed to feel peaceful.”
But grief and calm can coexist. Part of our job is to normalize that.
When Grief Feels “Too Much”
When grief feels stuck, frozen, or overwhelming, it may be because something else is tangled with it — a blocked or overloaded memory network, traumatic aspects, a younger part, or an early attachment wound.
This is where your case conceptualization matters.
Be curious:
What does this grief connect to?
What might need to be reprocessed first before the client can grieve fully, or start to grieve?
And sometimes, what the client needs most is not a protocol — but a therapist who can sit with them in the sadness, witness the love beneath the loss, and support the system in making sense of it all.
Grief Doesn’t End — It Evolves
Our role as EMDR therapists is not to remove grief, but to clear the barriers that block someone from grieving or when they become stuck in their grief with no change for a long time.
We can trust our clients’ instincts. If their calm place includes a lost loved one and it brings comfort — even through tears — that may be exactly where the healing happens.