Grief Lives in a Memory Network: How one loss links to other experiences
Grief is not a standalone feeling. It’s connected — deeply — to the networks of memory that live inside the brain and body. For EMDR therapists, this is an essential truth: when prolonged grief shows up in the room, we’re often meeting a web of experiences, not one loss.
Clients may come to therapy after the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, a sudden life transition, or the grief of what was never experienced — and what they feel in the present is often tied to so much more than “the one thing” they name.
Understanding how grief lives in memory networks can guide how we conceptualize our clients’ experiences and determine where to begin.
What Memory Networks Are Activated by Grief?
From the AIP perspective, current grief can link to earlier experiences — sometimes consciously, often not. A present-day loss may activate:
Unprocessed childhood loss (e.g., a caregiver leaving, a pet dying, early emotional neglect)
Trauma memories (e.g., being alone in distress, fear of abandonment, helplessness)
Core beliefs formed in earlier life (e.g., “I’m alone,” “I lose everyone I love,” “It’s not safe to need anyone”)
Clients might not immediately connect these dots. Instead, they may say:
“This loss hit me harder than I expected.”
“I feel like I’ve lost part of myself.”
“It brought back things I didn’t even know I was still carrying.”
That’s your cue to go deeper. You’re not just working with the loss itself — you’re working with the network it touched.
Grief Can Be Adaptive — Until It’s Not
Not all grief is stuck. Many clients have the inner resources, community, and support to move through loss in adaptive ways.
But when the grief feels stuck, frozen, or too much, we want to ask: what's in the memory network?
It might include:
Prior unresolved losses or attachment wounds
Shame or guilt connected to the loss
A trauma history that blocked the ability to safely grieve in the past
Messages about grief (“you have to be strong,” “move on,” “don’t feel too much”) that shaped early emotional experiences
In these cases, grief becomes a signal — not the source. Your job as the therapist is to help the client access and process the parts of the network that are interfering with natural mourning.
How to Work with Grief in the EMDR Framework
In your early phases, focus on mapping the memory network, not just identifying the current loss. You might ask:
“Has this feeling ever shown up in your life before?”
“What does this remind you of — even if it feels unrelated?”
“When was the first time you felt this kind of sadness or loneliness?”
Be curious. Let the client’s system lead. You may uncover memories that need reprocessing before the client can fully grieve the current loss.
From there, you can begin:
Target sequencing using floatback techniques to find the roots
Processing unresolved losses that shaped the client’s grief response
Recognizing positive memories with or of the loved one
Creating resourcing and calm places that reflect both connection and individual identity
A Note on Healing
Clients often ask, “Will this grief ever go away?”
And the answer, from a place of compassion, is: Grief may always have a place in your heart, because it’s tied to love. But it doesn’t have to hurt in the same way forever. It can shift. It can become something you carry with more space and less pain.
When memory networks are updated — when what was frozen becomes fluid again — the system can shift. And grief, once stuck, becomes part of a fuller emotional landscape. Love, pain, and memory can coexist.
Want to learn more about grief and memory networks in EMDR?
Join us for an upcoming consultation group where we explore clinical examples, target sequencing, and how to support adaptive mourning through an AIP lens.